I have a major confession to make: I abhor movies. I don't know why, but it might have something to do with being traumatized as a child by “The Land Before Time” and “The Little Mermaid.” Thus, I only see about two movies a year. When the cult film “Napoleon Dynamite” was released in 2004, I missed it. One guy I knew swore it was the best movie ever — validated by the mysterious disembodied announcer voice for Comedy Central. However, another friend of mine swears it is the worst movie ever. I can imagine this friend tattooing a swastika on his forehead and burning all available copies of the film. (Ironically, the swastika is an old Indo-European symbol for “peace.”) Perhaps this image is a little extreme. Anyway, three years later, a game based on the movie is released. So, how does it hold up?
First of all, there is no plot to the game. It does not exist, thus, there is no sense as to how the game goes from point A to point B. I have no idea who these characters are or why they do what they do. The now self-aware Wikipedia does not really have much information about the movie or its characters to help illuminate things. The game banks on the fans' love of the movie (which I do not have). How do I feel about Napoleon? I perceive him as an arrogant jerk who, as much as I hate to say this, properly deserves being ostracized. The other characters in the game are not any better, and Tina Majorino's character Deb is absent. I think she sensed how bad the game is, so she smartly did not “sell” her image for the game. And as far as I can tell, Napoleon's Grandma is up in her room stuffed full of cotton.
This brings us to the gameplay. It pretty much consists of 25 poorly constructed minigames that somehow, someway, drive the “plot.” The minigames are exceedingly boring, often overstaying their welcome — you have to play through [the majority of] each minigame three times at least! The worst offenders are the dodgeball and dancing minigames. Dodgeball just isn't fun, and there is no way to control where the ball goes or how hard it hits. The dancing minigame just becomes boring after two minutes, and the timing mechanic is not that great, requiring “perfect” timing. (For the record, I play piano and can earn a few A scores on Heavy mode in Dance Dance Revolution.) There also is the annoying “ninja game” that pretty much constitutes mashing the “Y” button over and over — and you do not even have to face the opponent to damage him! The other bad part is when one plays the action/shooter games, the game refuses to acknowledge two buttons being pressed at once. In action title games, this is inexcusable. But the nail that seals the coffin is that the “enemy” AI is inconsistent. “Uncle” (I refuse to acknowledge that title) Rio's arm strength in the football toss game ranges from horrid to incredible.
This brings me to a very important question: If Napoleon is all about doing whatever he likes, why not set up an open-ended world à la Morrowind? Seriously. Why not be able to fully explore his world and use the minigames as a diversion from other tasks? Why are there three modes — story mode; notebook, which allows you to choose which minigame to play and must be unlocked by going through story mode; and “survival” mode? And the unlockables are not that great either — costumes that Napoleon wears and has no effect on gameplay! Worst unlockable items ever.
While the game does make a pretty decent attempt to use both Nintendo DS screens, it is mostly underused. The touchscreen is poorly implemented, often making the poor digital control scheme superior. This is due to those few times both screens are used that the digital will take good ol' Napoleon onto the top screen.
So, one must be wondering, it must be good to look at, right? No, it is not that great of a game to stare at for hours. While the game is bright and colorful, it looks like it was cut from a notebook and pasted on to other pages. It just feels flat — and not in a good way. It lacks the charm and whimsy of Paper Mario. That lack of charm makes the game feel even flatter than it is. There are two inexcusable things about the graphics. First of all, when the game uses both screens and something falls between the top and bottom screens, the object is cut off. On the one hand, this great! Finally, a game that treats the two screens as continuous. The problem is that it does not properly divide the object! Secondly, all the characters look like puppets frozen in cement. In other words, the cutscenes — if they could be called that — have no animation for the characters. Have the developers not heard of a little thing called “presentation?” This makes the game worse.
But that is not the worst of it. Oh, no. The worst part, to me, is the audio. The game keeps recycling the same two or three tunes . At first, it was delightfully perky and pleasant. But after 30 minutes of listening to it, I quickly muted it and turned on “The Daily Show” in the background. But Jon Stewart can only do so much for the game. Why is there not more variety? Konami does not play the same tune ad nauseam in their Castlevania series, so why does this game? There was one moment during the last part of the ninja minigame that I desperately hoped that there would be some boss music. Alas, I was wrong. The same annoying music was playing. The rest of the sound effects are just forgettable. Nothing else makes up for the crappy music.
There are two oddities. First, there are loading screens between every single bit of screen change, whether it is dialogue, loading a minigame or presenting your score for said minigame. It quickly becomes annoying. For what possible reason could this happen? The graphics do not push the DS to its limits. The second odd thing is that there is no option of multiplayer. Even though I lack “peeps,” and the few that I have tend to get their yellow heads eaten off, why could I not play with them? While these are not games you want to play with friends, the option to do so would be have been nice. The DS has wi-fi capabilities, so why not take advantage of them?
Overall, Napoleon Dynamite is abysmal with a capital “A.” The more I played the game, the more I hated it and felt like my soul was being sucked from my body. And not in a good way like those visits from an incubus/succubus — or as some like to call them: Final Fantasy XII. Thus, I came up with an idea so that the game would not be a complete waste of time. I figured we could send copies of the game to the “terrorists” in the Middle East to convince them to give up. Yet again, I expect the paradoxical effect of them rising up and redoubling their effects will save our children from such a horrid game. In other words, if you have $20 to spend, get Cat Power's “The Greatest,” Frou Frou's “Details,” or better yet, obtain a copy of Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow. But whatever you do, do not get this game. Now, if you excuse me, it is time for my daily dosage of ipecac.
